I was looking at some pictures last night of a trip I made to Thailand 2 years ago when this particular shot caught my attention. At the time I took it, I suppose I was humored by the awkward grammar that dictates the refund policy of the store I was perusing. It's likely that the store management wanted to inform us farang shoppers that you can't return an item after purchase that has been altered or opened in any way. Last night, I was exhausted and slightly depressed after 3 days spent moving, unpacking, and settling into a new place. In my somewhat hazy state, I made a connection that I hadn't made during any previous viewing of this picture.
That's the thing about enlightenment- it'll sneak up on you sometimes when you least expect it. I'm currently in the process of making a lot of big changes: brand-new living situation; brand-new job starting soon; taking a class in a classroom for the first time in close to 20 years. I didn't exactly want a new job as things were rather cushy where I was but I had reached a plateau maybe a year or so before my employer was forced to shut down. I had hoped that there would be an opportunity for change in the workplace but alas, that was not to happen. In hindsight, my previous employer's woes shook me out of an all-too-comfortable complacency against my will. In a few days, I start a new job in a new industry doing a larger version of the type of work I've been doing for a very long time. There will be the challenges of being the new guy and I will have to figure out how to balance what I want to do in my life with the demands of my employer. In my last job, the work load dropped dramatically and I got soft as there wasn't much to do. This new job will be a whole new world. In regards to the other new things, my new living situation is the first time I've lived with another person in a long time. There's a whole new chapter opening on that alone. As a big upside, I have a much bigger place now and need to get into a routine of where to find things as I have actual rooms to choose from.
As chaotic as the last few months have been, I asked for all of this. I wanted change because I know that experiencing the discomfort of change is the only way to grow. I haven't really been uncomfortable in my life in years and as a result, I haven't experienced personal growth and have become resentful of those who have cast aside fear and doubt in the pursuit of new experiences. The idea of taking a class was as much about learning things as it was about feeling awkward about not knowing everything. I wanted to learn how to accept criticism without wanting to tear someone's head off. I'm doing my best to participate even if it means that no one agrees with what I have to say or if what I say is absolutely wrong. I've been raising my hand when I don't understand something and have been trying to sit with the sensation of asking what is possibly a stupid question. The bottom line is that I haven't really failed at anything lately and the reason is that I haven't traveled outside of my very small comfort zone. I've known for a while that this strategy for living does not allow for personal growth or true fulfillment as we tend to learn many of the big lessons of life through failure and discomfort.
One of the most profound sentences I have ever read is this:
If you want to change your life, change what you do and your life will change as a result.
I don't recall who said it and while there are tons of variations on this, I can't find the origin of this particular quote. The idea makes perfect sense: if you walk the same path over and over, it seems reasonable that you will always get to the same destination. It's by choosing left instead of right for a once that things inevitably look different. You may not get exactly what you want or you may fail disastrously at what you try to do. But in the same way that a piece of toast can't become bread again, if you make a change in your life you will be at a different vantage point than if you don't. You will never go back to the person you were before the change was made. In most cases, your life becomes bigger when you acknowledge fear and walk through it anyway, regardless of the results. I base this on my own experiences as well as on those of people I know.
Whether I like it or not, I will not be the same person at the end of 2011 as I was at the start. It's just not possible with all of the things that are in play right now. I have no idea if I will be better off or not. Hell, I'm not sure what “better off” means other than to hopefully be at peace with where and who I am when I am finally able to take a step back and look at everything that's happening to me right now. But tonight, I have faith that I will be taken care of no matter what. If I envision the worst case scenarios for the situations I will soon encounter, none of them include death or anything irreparable. Sure, there may be psychic pain but one thing about pain is that it's a clear warning sign that you've gone too far. The only way to know what one's real limits are is by going beyond the realm of comfort. If you extend yourself reasonably and feel the pain, you now know your true limits and can reassess the real edge of the envelope. I've never done this.
So here's to jumping off cliffs with the hope that there will be plenty more cliffs down the road.
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